Category: Growing Pains

By Grace, I Made it Here

Kristy

“A year ago you did not know today. You did not know how you’d make it here. But you made it here. By grace, you made it here.”

I have to take a deep breath when I think about where I was a year ago. To put it lightly, it was not the best of times. I had just felt the sting of a potential job I was crazy about slipping through my fingers. Two weeks prior, I had received an email from the company letting me know that I was their top candidate and to expect a formal offer within a week. They were waiting for budgets to be finalized before they could present it. Two weeks passed and my would-be-manager reached out with a long, apologetic email breaking the news that they had lost funding.

I was crushed. Even to this day thinking about it makes my stomach tighten. I had envisioned being in this job so clearly that I convinced myself it was my big break; My ticket to a stable career path. I was more than ready to be whisked away from the uncertainty of job hunting. So clueless was I about the possibility of the job falling through that I already bought my first ($1500) Mac. A fitting reward for the amazing new writing career I was about to embark on.

That wasn’t the first time I dealt with disappointment with my job search. After graduation the previous year, I had landed in a full-time job at my alma mater; an exciting find at the time as I thought my calling was in Higher Education. Since I loved my campus jobs as a student, I figured what better place to start a career than the campus I had grown to love?

Lots of places, it turns out. I learned the hard way that anything can feel like it’s meant to be if it’s easy. And that is exactly the type of job it turned out to be: Easy. Safe. In every concievable way. I took the same route to work that I had taken for the past four years. Worked with the same campus administrators I already had relationships with. Hung out with the same group of friends I had in college because they studied down the hall from my cube (not a bad thing, but safe nonetheless). The kitchen staff even called my personal line on the rare occasions that they made macaroni and cheese pizza because they knew it was my favorite. Everything about the job was nestled deep inside my comfort zone. A place that soon started to feel stuffy and cramped.

Only six months in I found myself wanting something new; something challenging. It didn’t add up that my part time jobs I held in college had more room for growth than this full-time one. As terrifying as it was to look beyond my familiar campus, I knew it was necessary if I wanted to avoid that messy quarter-life crisis no-one talks about.

Flash forward to quitting that job only to have my dream one slip between my fingers. I was forced to face the daunting reality of being out of a job and searching for work full-time. Every interview felt like a lifeline and each rejection like a severed rope, sending me coldly back into uncertain waters. The hardest part was never knowing when the next raft would come along.

This desperate time pushed me to apply to some interesting places. Finding jobs was so difficult that when I did see one I qualified for, I would immediately begin drafting a cover letter without so much of a glance at company reviews. I got into such a routine of scanning job descriptions that I barely paid attention to the places I was applying to.

This is the only way I can explain my genuine shock at getting a call from a plumbing manufacturer for a phone interview. I racked my brain as I listened to the voicemail from a bubbly HR employee inviting me to give her a call back. I couldn’t help but wonder if I actually applied for this job or if they were those spammy companies that try random phone numbers they find on Indeed. I searched my Desktop for a cover letter addressed to this place and sure enough it was there. Written as if it would be nothing short of a dream-come-true to work for them. “Of course they called,” I couldn’t help but think. “I’m not getting traction from anyone except this random plumbing place.”

I just knew that this was going to be a boring job at a weird place and it would be disappointing if I actually got it because instead of a great writing career I would have a career in plumbing, of all things. But I did what you do when you have no other options and it’s your third month without a job: I called them back. And boy, I’m glad I did.

A year ago I could not have guessed where I would be today. I wouldn’t be able to tell you how or when I’d secure the job I was so desperately searching for. I would never have guessed that getting a call from a manufacturer would lead me down an exciting path of account management. I wish I could tell June, 2017 Kristy that things would turn out way different than I imagined, but that they would still be great. That despite missing out on what I thought was the start of my writing career, I instead ended up at a job that challenges me in a million different ways. One that allows me to write a blog I’m passionate about in my spare time.

A year ago I did not know today. But I made it here. By grace, I made it here.

 

Fire Alarms are Not Real (and other adult things I’m learning)

Kristy

Today something weird happened. I don’t know if it symbolizes my initiation into adulthood or if I just learned the wrong thing in elementary school, but here’s what went down: I was minding my own business in my plain, color-stripped cubicle when suddenly my eardrums were assaulted by the sound of a fire alarm.

I stood up at my desk, frozen for a second trying to gauge how fast I should walk out so I wouldn’t look like an idiot. Then I saw one of the “higher-ups” briskly walking past and a wave of calm washed over me. I didn’t have to gauge the situation since everybody knows he had just signaled the universal cue to calmly-exit-a-building-that-could-possibly-be-on-fire. He was no longer a director but now a teacher routinely leading the classroom out of the building for the third fire drill of the year. So I grabbed my purse and keys and tried to make my power walk casual as I stepped into the hallway.

But when I walked out, expecting to be met by a flow of people reaching for the exit, I stopped dead in my tracks. No one had budged. Everyone was still working with their eyes glued to their screens. As I scanned each person for a reaction, there seemed to be no cause for alarm whatsoever- if you didn’t count the overwhelming buzzing noise that made it impossible to think straight. I didn’t go through a million fire drills in school for this to not count, I thought stubbornly. After standing there for a good ten seconds I realized that I had just made a brisk exit out of my cubicle with my keys in one hand and my purse strapped over my shoulder. I couldn’t just turn back around like nothing had happened. So I timidly leaned over and quietly asked one of my co-workers if we were “supposed to go somewhere” with the maturity of a seven year old.

It took a second for him to tear his eyes away from the computer screen. Because yes, I’m sure having a blaring alarm in the background equates to top-notch focusing abilities. But when I finally won over his attention he briefly looked around, as if he had just thought to do so, and simply concluded, “No one seems to be moving so…”

What? Okay so there is a chance he was thinking this was a drill or maybe some weird routine alarm thingy that happens sometimes and it’s totally-cool-so-don’t-worry-about-it.  But it’s not like my coworker was suggesting that to be a possibility. He seemed to have no idea what was happening either, he just looked to see what others were doing and followed suit like he could care less if his eardrums exploded.

His reaction made me think back to the last fire alarm I had experienced. Since everyone knows you’re not really a college student until you blow up a microwave, someone had decided they wanted their pizza rolls extra crispy and set the fire alarm off in one of our main buildings on campus. I was in a lounge at one of the computers with about four other students scattered throughout the room. When the alarm started blaring, I slowly turned around to see everyone cautiously frozen, as if we were playing chicken and waiting to see who would be the first loser move. Cause ya know, fire safety is just the dorkiest thing on the planet. After what seemed like a long 30 seconds I took charge, awkwardly addressing the room of people I barely knew and had no authority over. I blurted out, “Shouldn’t we leave or something?”

Everyone looked at each other and then grumbled while reluctantly packing up their stuff. I remember thinking that we had all probably endured at least a 100 planned fire drills throughout our lives since our first day of kindergarten.  So why were we so defiant? You would think the behavior would be automatic, but all the alarm caused was a mild uneasiness that, when paired with other people also ignoring it, went away within seconds.

I guess we ultimately knew what we had to do because we all got up to leave. Good thing, too. Because what we assumed to be a fire drill was actually the real thing and as soon as we reached the main hallway we were met with dozens of our classmates, all following the rule that had been drilled into us since we first set foot in a classroom.

But today at my big-girl job was different. When I stepped out of the cubicle to see if anyone had moved, no one was looking around to look for cues on how to behave. They were just going on with their daily tasks as if they didn’t hear the screeching noise blaring rhythmically out of the speakers.

It was startling to have this instinct where I knew I was supposed to immediately leave a building and no one else was budging.  Do we become desensitized to these sorts of things when we get older? Will there be a day in which I, an accomplished businesswoman, will be sitting up straight and confident at my desk typing away as an ear-piercing alarm goes off and a frazzled intern asks me what’s going on? I’m not sure I can see that happening.

And yes, I know what you’re thinking. I did check my email this morning. If this was planned, I wasn’t told. But the comical situation got me thinking, what would it take for these people to get up and leave? For a child, it doesn’t take much. Even the slightest sign of alarm can send a child running. But an adult? Psh. Who cares, right? “I don’t have time for fire alarms darling, I haven’t made a proper dent in my inbox yet!”

I guess I’ll just have to wait for the day when my instinct melts away and I become calm and collected, completely unabashed by fire alarms. But until then, I think I’ll continue to the be the voice of reason. Just in case somehow the alarms start getting connected to actual fires. Who knows? Stranger things have happened.

Finals, Jaw Pain and Negatvity

Kristy

As I pull into the driveway, my mind races with all of the things I need to do in the next 24 hours. It’s the dreaded finals week and there are simply too many things, I decide.

It’s not until several minutes later when I’m sitting upright on my bed with papers strewn everywhere and my laptop heating up when I notice it- I’m starting to get a headache. While I’m usually stubborn enough to try and “wait it out,” this time I instantly walk to the kitchen and reach for the Tylenol. There is  no way I’m going to let a headache keep me from acing this exam tomorrow, I thought. But when I opened my jaw to take the pills, I was met with pain much worse than my newly discovered headache.

I soon realized that my teeth had been clenched shut so hard and for so long that I no longer realized it was happening and it was now causing me a headache. I tried an old trick that i had learned to see how bad the situation was, “curve your fingers and try to stack three knuckles vertically into your mouth. If you can’t do that, you’ve got a problem,” the Youtuber had said.

My face reddened with pain and embarrassment when my mom walked in right at that moment. It felt like I was trying to beat the Guinness world record for “Number of Fingers Forced Into Mouth” (the record is 30 fingers as of 2011, so close). The strain it was causing was painful and I couldn’t believe that I had led to my own demise by simply clenching my teeth all day.

I took a break from my studies and started to search the web for how to un-clench my jaw and get rid of all this soreness. I found one boring, long, but incredibly helpful video. Luckily, by the end of the video my jaw felt relaxed and I was no longer clenching my teeth.

It dawned on me long after finals week that TMJ pain (which is what the internet had informed me I was experiencing) is similar to despair one can feel after feeding on negative thoughts all day. Paul encourages us to focus on the positive: things that are good, true, etc., but how often do we really do that when we let our thoughts take the driver’s seat for a while?

I know I find myself repeating negative thoughts when I let my mind wander. These thoughts pile up during the day so that by the time I get home from work or class it’s almost impossible to climb out of the stress-filled pit  I’ve dug for myself.

One technique I am using to combat these thoughts can be found in “The Power of Habit” and it is a pair of terms called “awareness training” and “competing response.” Awareness training involves just what you might assume, training yourself to be aware when you are doing an unwanted activity. So whenever I say something negative to myself, I mark a notch on a notecard. At the end of the day, I’ll be able to see how often it happens and I’ll have a better idea of what triggers it because I am paying closer attention.

Competing response is where I replace negative thinking with something else. For me, I am going to try to memorize as much scripture as I can. For now, I will meditate on what Paul says in Philippians 4:8.

“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

The second I start to think something negative, the thought will be replaced by these words and positive thoughts until eventually, positivity will be the norm.

But just like TMJ pain, realizing my jaw is clenched during the day only gets me so far. At the end of the day I have to do certain exercises that loosen my jaw so that I don’t clench harder when I’m sleeping or when I’m not paying attention. The same goes for negative thinking. Reading a few bible verses here and there is only good for the short term.  I need to devote time to prayer and bible study that goes beyond just skimming the surface. Once I have done that, my relationship with God will help me make positivity and hope a lifestyle and negativity a healthy exception to the norm.

When Failure Surprises You

When Failure Surprises You

Kristy

I dragged myself out of the lecture hall feeling relieved that the nightmare was over. My head was spinning. I had been awake since four in the morning, cramming for an exam that seemed impossible to pass. I felt defeated. I was always the nerd who was excited to take a test after carefully planned study sessions and a good night’s rest. I never imagined turning into the zombie college student who barely had her life together. The one who visibly forgot to comb her hair before the exam and chuckled nervously when her friend asked her if she was ready to take the test.

“How could this happen?” I found myself wondering. I felt helpless. I had spent the previous two days focused solely on the test material, completing all the practice problems with three people trying to teach me various concepts. It seemed to come so naturally to them. Even my friend who had expressed concern over his ability to finish even one practice problem was teaching me the material by the end of our study session.

I couldn’t help but compare this experience to my high school study habits. When it came to math and science, I always excelled. My classmates assumed that I was simply “smart” and good at this stuff. Only I knew about the countless Friday nights I spent at home studying or the hours I spent with teachers who were willing to help after class to make sure I understood the material. I was obsessive about learning. I had this gusto to master concepts, to be able to solve problems on my own after working hard to understand how they worked. This was me.

Somewhere between graduating fifth in my class and entering my junior year of college, I lost this part of me. School was no longer as exciting as it used to be. I didn’t recognize myself as I began to resent going to class and completing homework. I did what I had to in order to keep my grades up, but there wasn’t any passion behind the papers I wrote. I became increasingly passive about school. It was quickly becoming the norm for me to come to class unprepared with my expensive textbooks sitting in the corner of my bedroom unopened.

A few days after the exam, I stumbled across this verse: “Be not deceived. God is not mocked; for whatsoever a man soweth, that he shall also reap.” Galatians 6:7

A rush of embarrassment flooded me as I let the words and their implications sink in. I had spent more time laughing at my friend’s jokes as we “suffered” through class than trying to grasp the material. The practice problems given to us the second week of lecture were forgotten about until forty-eight hours before the exam. My book had yet to be opened and I hadn’t bothered to review my notes once since penning them.

While I had been busy feeling like a victim and complaining to all my friends about how “hard” my class was, I hadn’t even been trying. There’s no wonder why I felt I had barely passed the test, everyone knows you can’t try to learn three weeks of material in two days. It seems so obvious in retrospect that I had been trying to push the blame outward, trying to blame it on my brain’s affinity for the soft sciences and fear of the hard sciences rather than my lazy choices.

I had let the material pile up until it was too overwhelming to conquer. I set myself up for failure. But this type of failure is sneaky. It wasn’t like one day I threw all my notes away or sabotaged myself in one run. The failure came in small, tiny missteps each day like not taking the time to review my notes for ten minutes after class.

Lately I had developed an “all or nothing attitude.” I would either study for a class or not study. I would pray or not pray. I failed to start so many things because they seemed too overwhelming. But God understands our struggles and the fear that drives procrastination. He tries to talk some sense into us through biblical examples like Paul.

Paul says in his letter to Philipi: “Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect, but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended for Christ Jesus.” Paul knew he wasn’t perfect, but he kept going. He “pressed toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God.” He did not let fear of failure stop him from acting but instead sowed the seeds of progress by taking small steps in the right direction each day.

So take that tiny step, even if it’s saying a short prayer before cracking open that textbook you’ve been too scared to start because you feel too behind. You may find it’s not nearly as difficult or as scary as it seems when you take it in small doses. Most importantly, remember that God understands our struggles, even if they seem silly like making the wrong choice and watching too many episodes on Netflix when you should have been studying.